Ep 137: The Magic of Surrogacy with Zarah Hilliard
Fertility Forward Episode 137:
Being able to give the gift of life to a family who cannot have children of their own is a courageous and selfless act. Today on Fertility Forward, surrogate at Surrogate First, Zarah Hilliard joins us to tell us all about the magic of surrogacy. Tuning in, you’ll hear all about how Zarah first got into surrogacy, the matching process, her relationship with her surrogate child’s dads, and how her partner, family, and son reacted to her decision to become a surrogate. Zarah highlights the importance of advocating for what you want as a surrogate before telling us about her TikTok channel and how she uses it as an opportunity to educate people about surrogacy. She also stresses the importance of having a good support system and shares her top tips and tricks for anyone wanting to become a surrogate. You won’t want to miss this inspiring episode, so press play now!
Rena: Hi everyone. We are Rena and Dara and welcome to Fertility Forward. We are part of the wellness team at RMA of New York, a fertility clinic affiliated with Mount Sinai Hospital in New York City. Our Fertility Forward podcast brings together advice from medical professionals, mental health specialists, wellness experts and patients because knowledge is power and you are your own best advocate.
Dara: The number of surrogates open to caring for same sex intended parents increased from 32% in 2020 to 75% in 2023. We are so thrilled today to have Zarah Hilliard, who is a 24-year-old from Colorado Springs, Colorado on our podcast. She's currently enrolled at Pikes Peak College with the goal of becoming a labor and delivery nurse. Since she was little, she has had the ambition to change lives and in 2022 that dream became a reality. When she started her surrogacy journey with Surrogate First. She has completed one surrogacy journey and is preparing for her second. Wow. Zarah, we are so thrilled to have you on today. Thanks for being here.
Zarah: Awesome. Yes, thank you for having me.
Rena: So excited to hear about you and your journey and share your story with everyone. It's super inspiring.
Zarah: Yes, I'm so excited to tell you guys about it. It was something definitely worth remembering every moment of, so I'm excited.
Rena: Take us through what prompted you to embark on the journey and kind of the whole thing.
Zarah: So originally I had a teacher in eighth grade who was a surrogate. She was pregnant with actually twins for an international couple and she was like, I'm pregnant but these babies are not mine. You know, like we're kids. We’re like, yay, you're having a baby. She's like, but they're not mine. I'm like, well what do you mean I wanna know more? So she's like, I'm a surrogate so I have babies for couples who can't. And it's, like, amazing. And so ever since I heard about her, like, journey and everything and she's shared that, like, experience with us. I'm like, I want to be a surrogate one day. And then the other thing that prompted me into being a surrogate is I have a cousin who's also in a same sex relationship and they actually went through like the fertility treatment, got pregnant with triplets actually and lost all three.
Dara: Wow.
Zarah: Yeah, it was really hard. She went through a whole lot and after that they like gave up, they didn't even wanna try again. It was just super sad and I was like, you know like all of these things are making me want to be a surrogate more and more. So as soon as Kylo turned, I think like six months, I was, like, researching, like, a bunch of different surrogacy agencies and like reading reviews and like going through just, like, what was comfortable and that's when I stumbled upon Surrogate First and that's when I put my initial application in and that's when everything got started.
Dara: Wow. It's amazing how you had two places of inspiration. So you had, like, a mentor in many ways. And then you know, seeing firsthand family members who struggled. So it's so nice that from two different angles and I feel like it takes a specific person to be able to do what you do. It's remarkable.
Zarah: Yes, yes. And I've had people ask like, would you have carried a baby for your cousin? Like yes I would have, but by the time I was old enough to be a surrogate, this probably happened my freshman year and by the time I got to 21 you know, they're like, we're okay. We're okay with our little farm and we don't really have interest in having babies anymore after everything that we went through. And I understand how much of a toll, like, losing babies and stuff, not being able to have your own, takes on a person because I've seen her go through it.
Rena: So how is the actual journey for you and this open or closed? Where are you kind of at with all of that?
Zarah: So it is an open surrogacy. So the dads actually do keep up with us. Like we FaceTime at least once a month. They send pictures every single holiday. They call us, like, when they have a moment and they're, like, not super busy, they'll just give us a call to check in and make sure we're good and that they're good. So they do keep up and the journey was amazing. I didn't expect at first to match with a same-sex couple because I'm in a same-sex relationship as well. So I was like, you know, I'll do whatever, like, whatever intended parents I stumble upon, I'm willing to carry for, you know? And when I stumbled upon, they were my first or second profile that I actually looked at and I was like, I immediately felt a connection with the dads and I'm like, these are the intended parents I meant to carry for. And I just felt it, like, we connected and we actually got very, very close. So we have a very, very close relationship. And actually Surrogate Baby came two years and a day after Kylo, Kylo's birthday. So Kylo's is September 15th, 2020 and Surrogate Baby is September 16th, 2022.
Rena: Wait, tell our listeners who Kylo is 'cause I don't think you actually said on the podcast.
Zarah: Oh Kylo is my son. So he is our son and he just turned three this past September. So him and Surrogate Baby are like a day apart but two years and a day apart.
Rena: Oh wow. How did you explain the journey to him? I mean I guess he was probably very young to understand if he even noticed at all when you were carrying, but did that sort of come into your conversation?
Zarah: It did. Like, there would be times where he would, like, rub my belly or he's like, you know baby, like, he'll say baby, he knows the baby's in there but, like, I'm like this isn't our baby, this is, this is like your surrogate brother. That's what we started calling him like 'cause I call Caleb is his name. I actually called Caleb my Surro-baby, so I call Kylo. That's your Surro-brother
Dara: It's good that you have that discussion with him at a young age. I think that by just telling him what it is and you know, being honest with him, I think as he gets older, if he wants to have more of a conversation, the fact that you're bringing it up right from a young age can really make it that much easier for him to understand.
Zarah: Yes. And then going into the second journey, like we have like I've heard recently about like a bunch of books that have come out, like, books for the surrogate's children. And so I plan to get him like a bunch of, like, the surrogate books and stuff and like now that he's three and by the time probably that surrogate baby will be even be here, he'll be four, he'll be old enough more like to understand. So we do plan to have those conversations with him and the dads are very close with him. They, like, buy him stuff for his birthday and, like, they're always there like talking to him when we're on Zoom. Like, they make sure that they're there for him too. So it's really cool
Rena: What a beautiful relationship.
Zarah: Yes, super close. Super close.
Dara: I wanna know more about the, the matching process because I feel like that's super interesting. Is it something where it's reciprocal where you have to feel, assuming you would have to feel comfortable, the couple would have to feel comfortable. Was it a long process to be able to make that connection?
Zarah: It actually wasn't. It was kind of like I don't even know what to relate it to. It was just something like they create a profile, you create your own profile and then you guys like the agency will make sure they, like, give each other the profiles to see if anybody, like, matches on their own. A hundred percent have, like, the authority to be like I don't feel like I match with them. You sould make sure you feel comfortable with the couple as well. So the dads actually ended up, like, picking up my profile and liking it. The agency actually then sent me their profile and that's when I went ahead and I read through it and I was like, we're so alike. And I was, like, this is them. It was a an amazing feeling.
Dara: It feels like you intuitively felt the connection And even in terms of like, the open, is that part of the profile if you want to be open in terms of having that long-term relationship? I'm assuming that's probably one of the factors in terms of matching you up?
Zarah: It is. It definitely is 'cause some surrogates, like, don't mind the closed off relationship. Like as soon as surrogate baby comes you'd like, like it's all, you know in the past kind of you know like I had a surrogate baby but the connection I wanted after really wasn't what I wanted. Then there are a lot of us surrogates who like to keep up with, like, the baby's growth and, like, see baby grow up and all of that stuff. So, like, it was really, really cool to be able to be like, yes I actually want that long-term relationship with you guys because they'll forever impact my life. And I think they always tell me that I'll forever impact theirs. So we'll always have that relationship and that's something that me and the dads from the start have always agreed upon is having that relationship.
Rena: And then how did it work without revealing location? Were you geographically in the same place so they went to all the appointments with you, were you not in the same place? How did that work to, to go through the pregnancy?
Zarah: So the dads are actually from Tahoe, California. I'm from Colorado Springs, so the dads for appointments and like the important stuff like that, most of 'em worked through Zoom because they both worked so, like, it was kind of hard for them to always make 'em. The 20 week like appointment where you see all of baby's, like, growth and all, like, weight and all that stuff - they zoomed for that. We happened to Facetime, like, at the regular OB appointments I would just video like them doing baby's heartbeat. I would video if they did an ultrasound and I would just send all of that to them so that it made them even more so feel like they were more involved. So, and then there were appointments where like I said, we would zoom and they would have chances to, like, ask the OB questions where they were able to do, like, all of that fun stuff so that they felt like they were a good like a, a major part of it as well.
Dara: That's beautiful that you had that communication ability. It's amazing with, like, what Zoom and FaceTime and you know what you can do nowadays I think it can make it that much easier for people to connect even not in the same city.
Zarah: Right. And that's what was really, like, fun for me. It was more so making sure that they were involved in everything that I would've wanted to be involved in if I were intended parents. So I just wanted to make sure that they were at all times comfortable and that at all times they knew no question is, like, beyond privacy. Like you can like, when I feel, like, when they asked if they could be in the delivery room, I don't know if they were, like, a little scared or not like to ask because it was like, that's like a big deal you know? But I was open to even them being in the delivery room for the labor.
Dara: Wow, wow.
Zarah: So they were there for the birth as well.
Rena: Wow. You mentioned you have a partner. How was this also, you know, for your partner? Was this sort of a decision that the two of you made together that you were gonna do? Was this just really you kind of, you know, being the driving force because obviously you know I'm sure it impacted your, your family.
Zarah: I was so I had originally decided to and then when I brought it up to her to, like, ask how she felt about it 'cause you know like having a good support system when you're going through a surrogacy is, like, super important for your mental health. So I was making sure that she was okay with it and, like, that was something that she felt, like, she could actually support me through. So when I mentioned it to her, she was actually super open about it. She was like, that's awesome. Like, I would love to be your, like, main support system through it. And my family actually jumped along with her and being that support system when the dads came down the October before we got pregnant with the surrogate baby, the dads actually made a trip down here to hang out for a couple days and they got to meet my whole family, like everybody. We went out to dinner, we went out to breakfast the next day, we. like. did a bunch of activities together so, and then they came down again for an appointment and when they did that we also hung out a lot. Like. we went to Costco to go grocery shopping and then we had. like. a really intimate dinner at my sister's and we all, like the dads mainly cooked for us but like they cooked and, like, we helped out like sous chefs and it was just really cool. Like we really felt like they were just like an actual part of the family. Like, they've been here forever.
Rena: I think this is a very unique circumstance. You know I hear all types of different, you know, surrogate-intended parents relationships and most of what I hear are very, very good. This is definitely the closest, like kind of like, a very like universal, kind of synergistic meeting.
Zarah: Yes. It was amazing. It was like, there's no part of the surrogacy journey that I feel wasn't meeting, like, my expectation of that relationship that I really, really, really wanted with the dads. They were super involved like are you craving anything? Do you want anything? Like, they were always making sure, like, that I was good. So I just really, really appreciate them and for them to be my first intended parents and for them to exceed the expectation that I even set for, like, what that relationship would, like, even look like. I feel like I really, really appreciate it for being a first time surrogate that was meant everything to me.
Rena: Well think of this podcast, big shout out to them. It sounds like they're just very kind and considerate and mindful and I mean just sort of real beautiful humans.
Zarah: Yes they are. And so kindhearted, they really do care and you know they had wanted a baby for since covid years. COVID years when they originally were like, okay we're gonna get a surrogate and go ahead and have a baby, and covid hit and pushed it back. So in a way I'm like, that was like the world, like making sure that we meet because I wasn't ready during covid year yet. And when I got ready, as soon as I was ready they were ready again and that's right when we met. So I was like super excited like it was just meant to be
Dara: Sounds like it was divine planning, divine time.
Rena: And I mean, like attracts like, right? You know and energy the tracks so it means too, you know that you're such a beautiful kind human when you sort of yeah magnetically came together.
Dara: There's no surprise that you want to become a a, a labor and delivery nurse because it definitely takes a specific type of person who is caring and giving and you are that in more ways than one. And I'm happy to see that you have that good support system in your partner because I think, you know, that's a big part of it and the fact that you use your gut and realizing that it felt right. I'm interested you, you said you're hoping for another opportunity for your second experience. Is there anything that you would wanna do differently this time around?
Zarah: I don't think so. I know how important the matching process is and I know that I know what it feels like to know that you match with somebody perfectly. I know that that like feels like, so my only like goal for the second, second surrogacy is that I find another couple that I can really, really connect with on that higher level than just like this is, this is a journey. Yes. But the relationship that we'll forever have is also very important too.
Rena: Okay. So you're pretty clear on what you're looking for?
Zarah: Just that that open relationship, like you guys said before, that open relationship where we feel like we've been family for a while where you guys care to connect on a higher level and to actually like be able to spend time with these people, you know and actually build a, be like a bigger connection.
Rena: Sure. And I think it's important to note too for listeners, you know, particularly people that are considering the surrogate journey themselves, whether to become a surrogate or intended parents, that everyone is different and while you're very clear on you want this close relationship, you want this to continue on, that's what the intended parents wanted as well, which is what made it such a great match. The relationships, they come in all shapes and sizes and it doesn't always have to be like that. You know, some people prefer to be more sort of transactional, a little bit more business, a little less personal and that's okay too. And I think it's just about knowing what you want, being clear about it and then finding someone that has the same vision. So for anyone listening that this isn't sort of what they thought it would be, every journey is unique in individual. So really it's just about knowing what you want and then finding that match.
Zarah: Yes. And also like speaking up when it comes to what you want as the surrogate as well. If the parents are wanting an open relationship and you're more wanting of a like, like relationship only, I would definitely say to make sure that as a surrogate, that you do stand up for yourself when it comes to those kinds of things. Because I don't want any surrogate to feel like they're obligated to an open relationship just because they match with intended parents that wanted that. You don't have to say yes to the first match you meet. I would also say to like take your time and browse around if you're not feeling like it's a match-match.
Dara: That's good advice. I think it's great advice to realize that, to speak up if something doesn't feel right, there's a reason and not to settle for something that doesn't feel like a great fit, which I think is great why there are these surrogacy places to go to to be able to really make sure they match you with the right person. But to use your gut too. And I think for you the fact that you've had this first experience that's really been positive can really set you up for knowing what you want the next time around and learning, you know, to speak up if something doesn't feel right. And I think it's great for our listeners to also hear that. I've heard that you have shared your experience on social media. Have you found, you know, sharing your story on social media really being helpful for you and for others?
Zarah: I have. I actually do the whole TikTok content. I'm a part of a Surrogate First social butterflies group and in that group we like do TikTok content, social media content, YouTube channels, like stuff like that just to spread the word of surrogacy to be a good support for women that are like looking into it or thinking about surrogacy as well. I love it. I love, love, love it. It's amazing. And I love being another outlet for women who are either looking into surrogacy or like starting their journey to ask questions to wonder about certain things or certain processes in the surrogacy. And I love just educating women on what surrogacy is and educating people as a community. Especially Colorado Springs, which is like, it's a big town or a big city but not a huge city. So I like educating women even when I'm out and about and I'm talking to women about what I do, educating others on what surrogacy is, what that looks like and what it entails is like super important to me. So I love all the questions I get and I love like when people are super interested and wanting to learn more, I just love speaking about it so it's great.
Dara: You're really good at it and you know from sharing your story today and just love again how you know, the advancement of technology today really can help disseminate such great information to people all over who may not be as well versed in surrogacy.
Zarah: Yes, yes, I love it. I'm actually in the process of starting my actual YouTube channel to start educating women through another platform. Tiktok is like my main thing right now. I do a whole lot of that but I wanted to branch off a little bit more so I'm gonna start doing the whole YouTube stuff soon too.
Dara: Will It be under your name or is there a specific…?
Zarah: Yes, I have a TikTok zarahjanai. I really do promote as much content and information on surrogacy on there as I can but I'm probably gonna try to use the same name Yes. For my YouTube channel just so it's like all on one thing. But yes, that's something that is starting here soon so I'm excited about that.
Rena: Oh how exciting. Very exciting. I just wanna go back to one thing you said before that I just was hoping you could maybe expand onto and you know, of course for all our listeners we're gonna put all your channels, all your info and the the notes and everything to link so people can find you. But you mentioned how important it was for you to have good supports during the journey. So I just wanted to know if you could sort of expand on that.
Zarah: Yes. So going through a surrogacy process, especially your first time, you go into it a little bit blind. Like you don't know what those steps actually look like. Like, people will say, you know, you're gonna go through a matching process, you're gonna go through medical clearance, you're gonna go through a transfer, you're gonna do all of these things. And until you go through something people can tell you like what it's like. But until you go through something I think that's when you officially are like okay this is what it's like, this is what it's like for me. So I was like really nervous to go through it. I was excited, yes I was very excited but anxious and nervous are things that I guess come along with those things and I was just like, I need a strong support system. So when I brought it up to my family brought, they were all super excited, they were all supportive. I actually have a picture of the dads with like my whole family and it's like a big group photo of us and I just, I love it. And having that support person through it all is, it's like the second best thing about a surrogacy journey is you really get to see your loved ones supporting you in something like surrogacy. You know like, yes, your family supports you through college and through you know, having your own children but having a family and a support system that'll support you through having somebody else's child just feels like I can't even explain. Just feels to be able to say like I had somebody to lean on when I needed somebody during the journey. And that's what like we stress as surrogates a lot is making sure that you have a support person or a support family on your side to be there with you through everything. Like going through like the hormonal injections and going through the medication you get put on in the process. Like you go through a lot of changes your body and just making sure that you have somebody that's there to support you through it all is like amazing. Like I can name about four family members that had to help me with my hormonal injections. Even the dads helped me with my hormonal injections at one point. Like we were, we got super close and so it was amazing like being able to depend on my family to help me when I needed help or when I didn't know really like how to even do certain things. I'm like thank you so much for helping me because I couldn't have done it. Like it's just important. It is.
Dara: You're very fortunate to have so many people helping you out and it's interesting sometimes in these challenging moments it actually bonds families and partners together. It could also do the opposite but it's great to see that you had a good support system. And I actually want to ask, do you know of any or you know, have you any interest in and it seems like being on, you know, giving back and sharing your experience with other potential surrogates, it would be interesting to see if they had like a surrogacy connection where you can connect with another potential surrogate to give them coaching and advice and support, whether currently going through their own experience.
Zarah: And that's like the fun part about it is like me doing all this TikTok content and me like starting to branch off into like my community about it and like speaking more about it when I meet new people and doing all of this stuff, it really does help because I've stumbled upon and actually made connections with a couple surrogates through my TikTok. They'll comment like, oh I'm a first time surrogate and I'm going through this right now. Any tips or tricks you have that helped with this? And I'm like, yes I can private message you any information or help that you want with anything. And so it's amazing that like I can now as a social media content creator, I can start branching off and actually helping other surrogates so that they feel like, you know, maybe they don't have the biggest family of support, maybe it's just them and their partner and their friends and I'm like, don't worry because I'll always be an outlet for you to come to and ask questions and I'll definitely give you like the best advice I have for these things.
Rena: So tell us if, even for everyone listening 'cause I was gonna ask that, what would you say are your sort of biggest tips and tricks for either people that are thinking about becoming a surrogate or intended parents? Like what are your top advice? What are you putting in the DM?
Zarah: My top advice for everybody is to make sure that they're comfortable going through 10 to 12 weeks of the hormonal injections. That can be a little hard on your body. Not super crazy, not something that's like unbearable or like super horrible but your body does go through those changes with those hormones and that's something that I just tell other surrogates to keep in mind. Keep in mind that when you're going through that you're gonna be moody, you're going to be easily agitated, you're gonna be like hungry at certain times of the day where you're like, I don't ever eat at this breakfast but now you're hungry at breakfast. Like it just changes you. And I would just tell other surrogates to be prepared for those changes and to make sure that you're okay with those 10 to 12 weeks of hormonal injections as well because that is something that every surrogate has to go through. So I would just make sure that some women are not okay with like the full shots and stuff and when they hear that part they're like, no I'm okay. That is totally fine as well. Like as a surrogate, this is up to you to be, it is not an obligation to be a surrogate and you're a woman, like it's not an obligation. So I just make sure that you're comfortable with that just because it is an important part. It helps baby stick, it helps your body think you're naturally getting pregnant. Like it's very important for like the baby. And so that's one important thing. I would say if I'm talking to intended parents, I would make sure that they know how important it is in their profile and all of that stuff to put important details such as like the open or close relationship and what that means to you. Open and close to some people can mean two different, like different things. So open to some people is like till the child is 18 and grown, you guys have like a really strong relationship. And to some people it's like when the baby gets of age of like deciding to be a part of the surrogate's life still at that point like it's all up to the child. I'm not gonna, you know, tell them anything else about the surrogate. You know like if there's just different things and aspects of open and closed. I would make sure that intended parents as long as well as surrogate talk about those things and make sure that those are things that they're advocating for themselves and what they want involved in that stuff. That's also like super important as well. The only other thing I can think of that I would say is super important is around like your legal clearance. I would make sure as a surrogate and intended parents that you guys are coming to agreement in that legal clearance because we do, before we sign legal documents, we have the opportunity to like read it over with our lawyer and like make adjustments. So I would say if you're a surrogate, don't be afraid to ask for those adjustments to be made. And as intended parents, if it's something that you're really not comfortable with, don't sign off on it either because what you want through the surrogacy is just as important.
Rena: Great advice.
Zarah: Yeah, that's super important.
Rena: So great to hear about your information and passion? I'm so happy that we were connected with you.
Zarah: I'm so excited. This is so fun. I love your guys' podcasts.
Dara: That's so nice. We hear your passion and we're really fortunate. I, I learned a lot today. Even like the open and close, that was something that was new to me. I know Rena as a therapist, it's I'm sure something that she's touched upon, but it, that was something totally brand new and I think it's great. It's great to define what that is in the beginning and have that open dialogue. And I think it's great how real you are. Your realness is really gonna help inspire others so they can have the easiest, most seamless, hopefully, experience during their process. So thank you so much for giving all your guidance and love to our audience. Thank you. And so how we end our podcast is with words of gratitude. So Zarah, what are you grateful for today?
Zarah: I am grateful for my little family, my big family, and my surrogate family.
Dara: Beautiful. So beautiful. Simple and to the point and, and really sweet. What about you, Rena?
Rena: I'm gonna be honest, I, you know what? It is a gray, snowy cold day in New York, which is definitely playing up my seasonal depression. But I'm gonna say I'm really grateful for this podcast because I was honestly very cranky before this and this just really snapped me out of it just to have this conversation and be, you know, even virtually with such good energy. It was so wonderful. So really grateful for this podcast to help me kind of get outside myself and feel better. What about you, Dara?
Dara: I'm gonna piggyback on that. I've had a tougher evening and morning. I heard that our cross guard for my kid's school unfortunately died. He was shot trying to, to break up an argument on a subway.
Rena: I read about that! Oh my gosh.
Dara: Yeah. And he was the most beautiful man for the past 10 years. Every morning dropping my kids off at school. He would give us high fives, smile at us, talk to us. And you know, even after hearing what you were saying today, Zarah, it it, it makes me realize that there's so many beautiful people on this earth and, you know, as, as sad as I am, just, I'm, I'm so grateful to come across so much kindness, which helps, I'm getting emotional, but it helps remind me to, you know, be the best version of myself and to give to others just as much as I I've received and, you know, hear all these stories of really remarkable people.
Rena: I'm so sorry, Dara, for you and your community, that's horrible.
Dara: Like anything, it's a great reminder to be really, to be kind and to keep on telling stories about great people to hopefully help inspire others.
Rena: Absolutely.
Zarah: Yes, and I'm also thankful for the both of you, for this opportunity. It means a whole lot for me as I'm starting to branch off and talk more to people worldwide about surrogacy and to advocate for a fellow, my fellow surrogates. So it means a lot to me that you guys even wanted to have me on the podcast. It means a lot.
Rena: Well thank you, of course so much for giving us your time and good energy and I feel like the universe brought us all together today for a reason. So thank you so much.
Zarah: Thank you guys.
Dara: Thank you so much for listening today and always remember: practice gratitude, give a little love to someone else and yourself, and remember you are not alone. Find us on Instagram @fertility_forward and if you're looking for more support, visit us at www.rmany.com and tune in next week for more Fertility Forward.