Graduating from Your Fertility Journey - How to Juggle Your Emotions
Congratulations!
You’ve “graduated” from your fertility treatments and are transitioning to your regular OB. If you thought you’d be completely thrilled and find that you are anxious also, you’ll be relieved to know that your reaction is common. The main reason is because all change, even good change, is stressful. The stress is triggered by our inability to predict what may come next. Our brains are wired to “worry, watch and wait”, and that doesn’t stop midway through our pregnancy. Particularly if you’ve had some losses and disappointments getting to where you are now. Besides, we are capable of experiencing two or even three emotions at the same time. For example, we may be happy to be pregnant, missing the constant connection to our fertility team and their monitoring, and worried about dealing with a newborn. Don’t let mixed emotions throw you. You are not jinxing your pregnancy if you are not totally ecstatic, and you are not ‘ungrateful’ or ‘unstable”. You are normal.
Here are some strategies and evidence-based advice that have helped my patients move forward with more confidence and self-compassion.
High-five yourself
Your resilience and determination got you to this point. You managed hormone treatments, medical procedures, waiting periods, disappointments and, perhaps, some changing diagnoses. Give yourself even half the credit and support you’d give a loved one going through the same journey, and you will be starting your new journey with more self-care.
Take charge
To increase your sense of control, ask your RMA of New York care team for a detailed summary of your journey so far so you can share it with your OB. Include your medical history, treatments, and recommendations so you don’t have to wait while your REI and your OB find time to talk to each other, and you don’t have to remember your whole journey in detail.
Don’t worry about worrying
Stress did not create your fertility problems. It’s the other way around. Fertility problems created your stress. So, if you find yourself reviewing the problems you had on your journey, including miscarriages or other losses, you are not endangering your pregnancy. You are, however, missing opportunities to create more enjoyable pregnancy memories. If you find yourself previewing possible pregnancy problems in the future, bring yourself back into the present, the here and now. Some do that through meditation, some through mindfulness, some through music or prayer or games or walks. Whatever reminds you that you are okay right now will reduce your anxiety and improve emotional well-being (Sun et al., 2021).
Find the right listener.
We’ve all heard that expressing fears out loud makes them less frightening than when we are just thinking them, alone, in the middle of the night. But not any listener will do. Find support from those who can hear you and are not just waiting until you finish talking so they can tell you about their problems. If you can, find those who have had similar journeys so when they say, “I understand”, you know that they do! Peer support groups, either in-person or online, can also be a source of comfort.
Think about therapy
If your support group is not enough, there are therapists trained to help those going through fertility journeys. Often, just a few visits are enough to make a difference. By the way, it’s usually not what the therapist says that helps the most – it is what the therapist says that you can say to yourself that helps! You can find therapists through Resolve, ASRM, the American Psychiatric Association, The American Psychological Association, and the National Association of Cognitive-Behavioral Therapists. Studies show that in addition to cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and relaxation techniques (Boivin et al., 2016), yoga and REI-approved physical exercise help reduce pregnancy stress. (Rakhshani et al., 2012).
Finally, remember that going on a journey means traveling to places you’ve never been before and observing, rather than controlling, the experience. Pregnancy is a journey. Don’t forget to take time to relax, look around, and gather memories. And bank a lot of sleep!